The Recurring Smell of My Ex

In my conversations with people, there seems to be a general opinion that hallucinations are scary. While this can certainly be true (I will address some of those later), there are many hallucinations that are simply a nuisance.

Olfactory hallucinations are the false perception of a smell.

Like all hallucinations, they are not uncommon and not always linked directly to psychotic disorders, such as schizophrenia. False perceptions happen all the time, but olfactory hallucinations remain on the lower percentage of all types of hallucinations. And even with those diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, olfactory hallucinations are not nearly as common as auditory, visual, or even tactile (touch).

My olfactory hallucinations are not scary. There might be some people thinking that no olfactory hallucinations could be deemed scary, but that’s not really true. Pervasive smells of leaking gas, rotting (or poisoned) food, or the paranoia about how you smell can be quite devastating to a normal life. Luckily, these are not the types of things I typically smell.

Mine are a bit comical, only slightly detaching, and, well, because we’re being honest, just fucking weird and annoying.

My most common olfactory hallucination is the smell of my ex-girlfriend from high school. And to be clear, more accurately, it’s the smell of the perfume she always wore. But because of the way memory works, it will always be the smell of my ex. This hallucination happens pretty regularly, too. While I’m having my morning coffee, lying in bed trying to sleep (ugh!!!), and when I’m out in public (yeah, gotta be real careful about that one).

There may be someone from high school reading this that knows who I’m talking about because the smell of her perfume was something she was associated with. And other people have smells they associate directly with other people. These can be quite easy to identify (old people in nursing homes, for instance). A strange thing you might be noticing right now is that you can’t recall that smell. Try to picture a smell with a strong association. You can do that. You can imagine how you feel and what it’s like, but you can’t recall the smell. Olfactory recall is a thing that less than five percent of the population has the ability to do. Even though I hallucinate smells regularly, I can’t recall these smells. I can identify them when they happen, but not just reproduce them from memory.

Oh, and just to be clear, this is not an unpleasant smell in purely the terms of scent. She smelled lovely. It’s something I always told her, and always enjoyed when I was around her.

But, smelling her now, 10 years after we broke up and 8 years since I’ve even seen her, is . . . well, pretty much exactly what you think it would be like if you smelled your ex.

Smell is intricately linked to memories. Everyone without anosmia (inability to smell), would tell you that. We’ve all smelled something and been transported back to our adolescence. What smell does that the most for you? I think mine is always the smell of sunscreen. I would describe it as a slightly chemical and faint smell, but every time someone pulls a bottle or spray can of it out, I’m transported to the beach in Florida I grew up going to on every vacation with my family.

With the smell of my ex, however, I’m just sent into a bit of a consistent and recurring spiral of annoying thoughts. And that’s how schizophrenia is.

When I’m just trying to enjoy my day alone in my house and I smell her, my first thought is if she’s in my house. Next, I move to if she’s trying to spy on me, maybe stalking me, or is she, or someone else, spraying this perfume in my house to make me paranoid about one of those things. (Ah yes, the infinitely fun paranoia of paranoia!)

These are the thought patterns my brain is accustomed to and the where most of my thoughts start.

To be very clear, I don’t believe my ex is doing any of those things, but my schizophrenic brain can’t help but leap to grand and delusional thinking. She’s not stalking me, but if she was, she would be bored out of her goddamn mind.

Ex’s stalking journal entry 408: he’s still reading – book looks even more boring than the last. God, why does he never wear a shirt. Okay, on the move, he’s headed outside to smoke.

That’s a stalker movie literally no one would pay to see.

When I’m out in public and this happens, I can’t help but look around (and it’s not always because of olfactory hallucinations that I do this - if you’re accustomed to being around me, you’ll know this is basically just normal me behavior out in public).

Last week I was eating at Qdoba and I smelled a pool I swam in during my trips to Brazil. My first thoughts were “how did I get to Brazil,” and “oh god, I don’t have my passport on me – how will I get back.”

Olfactory hallucinations, by themselves, are not really that big of deal. But, paired with schizophrenia, they can be a weird thing to process. The recurring smell of my ex is not something I have any control over. I can’t stop that. And I can’t stop the weird conclusion that my mind draws from that smell. But, I can and do try to re-center myself when it happens.

In essence, this little anecdote is what schizophrenia is. It’s the conflict of thought and perception against reality.

I have to be okay with smelling her from time to time. I also have to be okay with thinking she somehow got into my house. I have to be okay with these things because they are not in my control. My schizophrenic mind is going to do what it does.

My job, my commitment to myself and the life I want to live, is just to allow those things to slide off me.

Take a few deep breaths. Put yourself back in reality. And continue on.